i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
