it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
