I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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