Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
there's paper in my vomit.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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