i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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