I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
If I die, sorry about rent.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
