Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
