Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
