so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
