Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
