I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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