i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
