So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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