If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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