so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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