I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
