remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
