where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
