Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
