her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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