bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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