remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
