My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
