I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
