I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
