Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
