I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
