masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
my shit smells like andre
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
