Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
