return my video game
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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