i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
