I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Randomize
