its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
