i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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