life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I am midnight drunk by noon
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
