my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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