so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
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