He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
