that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
