I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
