He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
