Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
