I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
