Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
