It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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