I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
