I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
