Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Your shirt... Was in my pants
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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