I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Randomize
