bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
